Am I not enough?

Why did I need help? What was so hard? The puzzling looks on their faces haunted me, and the guilt ate away at me. Why couldn’t I do it? Why was it so hard? Why could these other mom’s do so much and why could I only do so little? Why did I need a break from my kid? Was there something wrong with me? Did I not love my kid? It’s amazing the guilt we carry, and the judgment that we feel for doing what’s best for us because it doesn’t fit into the little box that our world has told we must fit into.

I was blown away at how hard being a mom is and how much work and most importantly how restricting. At the time Mark and I lived downtown and went on dates every weekend, and walked anywhere and everywhere. All that changed when I had Zeke, I learned the importance of drive-thru’s and that carrying that huge car seat everywhere was literally a pain. I needed a babysitter to get my hair done, and needed to check with Mark’s schedule for a girls’ night. The days of my independence were gone.

I needed a real break, but I was terrified to admit it. I mean I quit my job, I didn’t work, I was now a stay at home, bringing no money to the table, and I needed a break? This was embarrassing and what I felt like was a complete reflection on me and my inadequacies. By the time Zeke was nine months, the ddoctors finally realized I had post-partum depression and out of that Mark and I agreed to get me some help. Fortunately, I had a friend who only needed her nanny a couple of days ago, so we did a nanny share. Four hours, two times a week. It wasn’t a lot but it changed my life. I was able to run errands, in half the amount of time, I usually did. I had time to do things like Bible Study, and have lunches with friends, I developed a whole new set of friendships because of those few hours a week alone. I was a better mom for it. I was happier and nicer, and couldn’t wait to come home to Zeke. The best part was Zeke loved his time with Marcie, and Marcie became a part of our family. The way she played with Zeke was amazing, and they played non-stop. He was just as excited to see Marcie come over as I was.

At the end of the day we have to realize that what works for us as individuals, helps us be better mom’s, wives and friends. We can’t allow our insecurities to prevent us from doing what’s best. We can’t allow the judgment, or the shame we feel because of how others react determine our choices. We have to take control of our lives and our families lives and do what’s best for them, not what looks good to everyone else.

The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Psalm 138:8(NLT)

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